ASSEMBLE

Horatio killed King Hamlet? Seriously?

In case you didn't know, Orson Scott Card is a terrible entity.

(I'm not inclined to call him a human. The gom jabbar would destroy that asshole.)

Can I just say that Rosencrantz and Guildenstern being gay makes the movie with Tim Roth and Gary Oldman all the more believable and awesome?

In other snippy celebrity news, these recent set photos of Anne Hathaway in costume for Dark Knight Rises do not really endear me any more to her or what Nolan seems to be doing with the character. Selina Kyle is a fierce bitch with amazing fashion sense, but she is NOT Audrey Hepburn. It's like Nolan found out that Adam Hughes used Hepburn for Kyle's face when he did Catwoman artwork and took that to mean that her entire persona was Hepburn-like.

Maybe Katharine Hepburn-like. Not Audrey.

I rarely argue for more overtly sexual clothing, but Jesus H. Garcia, people, this is Selina Fucking Kyle. This is not her style at all. She ain't trashy, but she is in complete ownership of her sexual appeal and, dammit, she dresses the part. Shorter, tighter, more cleavage and/or more leg. There's a way to do that and still be classy, and that is exactly what she does. For an updated Selina I can see pencil skirts, bustiers under blazers, cigarette pants and serious heels...edgy but classic. This Breakfast at Tiffany's-clone stuff just says to me that, yet again, Nolan has no idea who the character is. But then, he never knows who any female character is. Marion Cotillard's character isn't from the comics? Goodness, color me so shocked! Nolan is a great director in many ways but directing and writing women aren't among them. I've used Keira Knightley in my comic casting posts in the past, so obviously I'm biased in that direction, but when I think "Selina out for dinner," this is more what I'm seeing:

As ever, I hope to be really extremely wrong about this. I hope Hathaway does a great job and I hope the script and film do a great job of utilizing her.

Jerry is a great vampire name and everything is better sans Matty Fresh (spoilers)

Since yesterday was my birthday and sort of a DIANA APPRECIATION DAY, period, I decided to skip my usual Sunday post and go right for the movie reviews for this week. To that end...

Who else went to see Fright Night specifically for David Tennant in leather pants and wound up pleasantly surprised at the entire venture? That is actually a damn good comedy-horror film. I saw the original one (at some point in undergrad) and didn't really remember a thing about it other than that it was funny, and I wasn't expecting some grand splash since remakes usually suck, but yes, Fright Night is actually quite a fine movie. The pacing is good, with an interesting set-up involving McLovin, ahem, Ed Lee (Christopher Mintz-Plasse), a go-go dancer named Doris, and some adorkable homemade videos, and then Jerry (Colin Farrell) blows up the Brewsters' house, forcing Charley (Anton Yelchin), his mom Jane (Toni Collette), and his girlfriend Amy (Imogen Poots) into a bizarro alliance with Midori'd-out stage magician Peter Vincent (David Tennant, in leather pants. Also in underwear, silk robes, and cute jeans). For a reasonably campy and done premise (who doesn't know far more than they want to about vampires at this point?), the actors and pacing of the script make Fright Night way better than it should be. Yelchin, Farrell, and Tennant are reliably awesome; Yelchin as a still-awkward nerd done well who knows what color "puce" is, Farrell as the vamp next door who ALSO knows what puce looks like; and Tennant as an over-the-top liqueur-swilling stage magician who knows vampires are real but likes to drink that knowledge away. Farrell in particular I found pretty spectacular. In terms of "who do I want to look at?" Tennant wins every time, but the way Farrell played his Jerry, as a slouching, grinning, truck-driving dudebro of a vamp, was just fucking fun. It's clear all the way through that Jerry knows Charley knows and he doesn't give a damn, because he's a 400-year-old vampire who can afford to play with his prey. Another way in which Fright Night wins is that it didn't let itself get bogged down in backstory. The audience is assured that yes, Jerry is a vampire, yes, he is very old, yes, there is some sort of vamp mythos, but that's it and that's all we need. Jerry is evil, Charley's family is remarkably swift to believe him (I mean, Jerry does blow up their house. They kinda have to believe him), and the action doesn't stop until Jerry's a heap of ash and Charley is finally getting laid. A couple of fun cameos are present too: the original Jerry, Chris Sarandon, as a motorist drained dry by his 2011 counterpart; Lisa Loeb as McLovin, sorry, Ed's mom (wut); and Dave Franco as a bullying classmate of Charley's. You'll always be Greg the pants-pissing soccer player to me, Dave. People don't forget.

And then there's the Glee 3-D concert movie. Yes, I made my friends take me to see both a vampire remake and a schmaltzy teen musical extravaganza. I have great friends. The Glee movie is exactly what you would expect: by turns totally glorious and totally overwrought. The cast are pretty great live, though I'm sure at least SOME of the sound got tweaked in production, and they only did one song that I really hate (hint: it's an original piece), balanced out by lots that I love ("Don't Stop Believin'", "Teenage Dream", "Valerie", "I Wanna Hold Your Hand", and the pure heart of "Sing It" almost makes me forget that RPF about Grant Morrison and My Chemical Romance exists). The lack of Jenna Ushkowitz is pretty dire--she only gets minutes of stage time and a few opening lines in "Born This Way"--and the overabundance of Lea Michele to be expected. The music is intercut with clips of the cast in character backstage, as well as three mini-storylines following fans of the show. In all, the film is an overproduced, saccharine explosion of sound, confetti, and mile-long smiles. Everything I wanted, pretty much. HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MEEEEE.

#tmituesday: The men who launched Diana into puberty

Admit it, you've always wondered who my pre-adolescent crushes were. Well, here they are, ya nosy weirdos.

Terry McGinnis: Yeah, he's animated (and in all the right ways), but Will Friedle did the voice acting and the Batsuit did the rest. My affections have bounced here and there in the Batfamily since, but Terry was the first.

Dougray Scott: That's what you get for letting me see Ever After, Mom! You thought it would just be a harmless fairy tale movie, but Prince Henri's codpiece stays with me to this day.

Richard Dean Anderson: Not as McGyver--as Colonel Jack O'Neill from Stargate SG-1, still my favorite science fiction television show (sorry, Firefly). The silver fox to end all silver foxes, O'Neill's gruff, snarky badassness gave me a good down-low tickle that I had no idea what to do with...yet.

Ewan McGregor: STAR WARS Episode 1: The Phantom Menace came out at exactly the right time. Is all I'm saying.

Heath Ledger: You're thinking it was Patrick Verona, but it was actually Gabriel Martin from The Patriot, which I wasn't allowed to see, but I looked at the movie guide in Barnes and Noble a lot (bookstores have so much porn in them! I hadn't even discovered romance novels yet).

Jeff Goldblum: before you cut me that side-eye, keep in mind that I wasn't allowed to see Jurassic Park until I was 13. And BOOM! went the shiny new ovaries.

Just sayin', part two

When I was a wee young thing reading Harry Potter, I was inexplicably in love with Neville Longbottom. Most of my Potter-related daydreams revolved around holding hands with Neville behind the greenhouses, helping Neville with his wandwork (totally innocently, people--I was twelve, tops), having butterbeer with Neville on trips to Hogsmeade, converting Neville to Mormonism so that we could get married. Etc.

Of course in hindsight it's clear that my young self was powerfully omniscient. Not only did book!Neville grow into a complete and total badassmotherfucker, but movie!Neville grew up to look like this:

Did I have good taste or what? (image via the Fuggirls)

Impending nuptials

Heavyweight brooding ahoy

So, last night I saw Jane Eyre.

I am at a bit of a loss as to how to review it properly. It was certainly good, very well-made and as true to its source as can be expected (there were a few departures from Bronte's plot, but I did not find them jarring).

I'm mostly just still distracted by how goddamn fine Michael Fassbender is. He's got a fuck-me hat, for crying out loud. And MUTTONCHOPS. At 33 he's a bit young to be playing Rochester, I suppose, but he carried it well and mother of Christ who cares? Have you seen those eyes?

At any rate, go see it if you have the opportunity to and like period pieces. Mia Wasikowska is gorgeous as well, and I was actually a bit surprised to see how mousy she became as Jane. Excellent acting from her, the Fass, Dench, Bell (o St John, you asshat), and the rest of the cast. Just be prepared to be nodding emphatically when Jane and Rochester get together, when if you were reading the book you'd be shaking your head and yelling BUT HE KEEPS HIS WIFE LOCKED IN THE ATTIC JANE COME ON. Fassbender has that effect.

I just

I can't

even

asdjdjfbshdjfhguyiFAPFAPFAP

Hearts and flowers, blasters and pompoms

It's that day, dear readers! National day of hawking all things red, pink, glittery, and sugary, and entrenched as I am in the splendors of young love, I am positively starry-eyed to bring to you some of my Favorite Fictional Couples. Ten of them, to be exact, though not really in any particular order...

10. Brittany/Santana: a newish entry into the pantheon of cute and smoochy, Brittany Pierce and Santana Lopez of Glee are definitely my favorite couple on that show. Who can resist their pinky-holding, their matching Cheerio uniforms (SPOILERS ne'er to be seen again?), their scissoring? Brittana forever, friends. Awkward Ship Name: actually, "Brittana" is obvious and easy to say.

9. Willow/Oz: spreading hope to nerds everywhere, Willow Rosenberg and Daniel "Oz" Osborne were, in the heyday of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, about as cute as it gets. Red-haired and diminutive, geeky and smart, one a witch and the other a werewolf, Willow/Oz made panicking downright sexy. Awkward Ship Name: Willoz? Ozlow? Yeah, I don't know.

8. Han/Leia: the original ship! Honestly, who comes out of STAR WARS thinking, You know, I think Leia should get with Lando? She's a sharp-shooting princess with a sharper tongue, he's a rogue--what more is there? Awkward Ship Name: Solgana, perhaps, though that sounds like a grain crop.

7. Dick/Babs: ohhhhh the Batfamily spawns some fancy pairings indeed. I was considering Bat/Cat (ok, and Dick/Jason. SHUT UP), but Nightwing/Oracle (or if you prefer tweenage cuteness, Robin/Batgirl) won out. They have brains, they have muscles in strange places, they have adorable, they have my heart. Awkward Ship Name: Gordonson? Nah...Woracle? I am bad at this.

6. Zoe/Wash: the cutest of the cute who ever pirated the sky! Zoe Washburne and Hoban "Wash" Washburne are so cute it's almost gross. She's tall and badass and wants something with a little slink in it, he's short and plays with dinosaurs and wants to buy her that something with a little slink in it. Awkward Ship Name: Zwash. Doesn't get much awkwarder than that. Although if you're into apes, "Washoe" is fun.

5. Willow/Tara: now, don't look at me like that; Willow and Tara deserve their spot just as much as Willow and Oz do. Some of mainstream TV's most famous lesbians, Willow and Tara are just nice. And cute. And tragic, oh, so tragic. Awkward Ship Name: MacRosenberg. Rosenclay?

4. O'Neill/Carter: Stargate SG1's forbidden couple, Sam and Jack go together like something really smart and something really grumpy. Why couldn't you have thrown us that, ahem, bone, SG1? Awkward Ship Name: O'Carter, I suppose.

3. The Doctor/Rose: keep in mind, the Doctor lives forever...so when he falls for a mortal, you know it's got to be something special. Oh Rose! I'll never be over you. Awkward Ship Name: good lord. I have no idea. Doctrose? Sounds like a sugar.

2. Veronica/Logan: let it be known that I literally ship Veronica Mars with EVERYONE (including myself). HOWEVER, the end goal is always Logan of the white-bread cute, Logan of the screwed up family, and Logan of the inimitable snark. Awkward Ship Name: Marcholls.

1. Rocky/Adrian: ok, so, I am a fan of boy movies and I have a soft spot for red coats. Adrian and Rocky are so cute, don't deny it! She works in a pet store and has huge glasses, he tells her she looks "very great" and eventually names a restaurant for her, and they manage to spawn Milo Ventimiglia. There is no bad. Awkward Ship Name: Balpennino? Radrian?

Ok, you can all go puke now. Happy Valentine's Day, everyone!

Still rolling

For those who don't know me in real life, it should come as little shock that I am a huge fan of hair metal. Hair metal! Cock rock, glam rock, glitter metal, whatever you want to call it--I love it.

So when a good friend informed me that her holiday gift to me was tickets to see Rock of Ages, I was like BRB SQUEEING FOREVER. What is Rock of Ages, you ask? It's only the awesomest stage musical evah. Taking as its soundtrack such gems as "Hit Me With Your Best Shot", "The Final Countdown", "Can't Fight This Feeling", and of course the inimitable "Don't Stop Believing", the only thing Rock of Ages is missing is...well, "Rock of Ages". And that's because Def Leppard apparently wouldn't license their music for use by the show. Well, pshaw. Rock of Ages still rawks (and gets around Lep's no-no by having its hero, Drew/Wolfgang von Colt, wear a Pyromania t-shirt. Ha!)--it's got strippers, it's got a small-town girl and an LA dreamer, it's got an aging hippie-turned-angel and a feminist Berkeleyite named Regina, it's got a German villain and his not-gay son, it's got David Lee Roth Vince Neil Bret Michaels some blond guy who wears snakeskin boots and chases tail like it's going out of style, it's got that cutie from American Idol who can actually sing.

It's perfect.

Not another list!

Actually, yes. Another list. See, I was inspired by TR's latest list and decided to create my own. With better grammar. And better entries. I mean, I love Malcolm Reynolds and Apollo from BSG is so hot it makes me cry, but I can see where they would not be so great to pursue a long-term relationship with. I also like lady-heroes and, given the opportunity and proper circumstances, would probably not turn them down. Let's lust in equal opportunity, and for Nice People, shall we? Therefore I give you Ten Heroes That Nerds Want To Date (And Why They Should).

10. Mr. Miracle: AKA Scott Free, Mr. Miracle is a bona fide sweetie, a freethinker, a loyal husband...and really flexible. Assuming his single status (though I love Scott/Barda!), he'd be one to nab.

9. The Doctor (9-11): of course I disagree wholeheartedly with TR's placement of the Doctor on their DON'T HIT THAT! list. If the TARDIS dropped into my apartment I'd jump in without a second of hesitation (sorry, dear boyfriend). He's amazingly well-traveled, witty, a natty dresser, and has a sonic screwdriver that--hello??--can open anything. I think you know where I'm going with that.

8. Barbara Gordon: if Babs showed an inclination to swing for the other team, I'd be right there with her. She's smart, she's degreed, she's a librarian hacker badass who can kill you from her wheelchair, AND she has gorgeous red hair. Sold!

7. Hank "the Beast" McCoy: he might be blue, furry, and prone to playing with balls of string, but the Beast is also brilliant, witty, and kind--and, if the way Agent Brand talks about him is correct, a whole 'nother kind of beast in the bedroom.

6. Selene: from the Underworld series of films. Selene is gorgeous, efficient and powerful, loyal, and takes no bullshit. Did I mention that she's gorgeous? 'Cause she is.

5. Indiana Jones: yes, he's a ladies' man, but sometimes that's exactly what's called for. Smart, dashing, and capable of using a bullwhip in allllll the right ways, Indy has a gruff exterior masking that yummy marshmallow inside. Indy will open your world in a myriad ways--whether it's using weapons, hunting down ancient archaeological artifacts, or showing you that sometimes it's ok to kiss and tell.

4. Captain Jack Harkness: similar to our #5, every now and then what a nerd really wants is some action. Captain Jack is The Alien to give that to you. Omnisexual, handsome, charming, flies a spaceship...what more do you need?

3. Hoban "Wash" Washburne: haters please note-->this entry clearly assumes that Wash and Zoe are not married, because their love is too true for even a homewrecker to break up. GIVEN THAT, Wash is just about perfect. He'll play dinosaurs with you and admire your legs and love you forever even in the face of red-headed temptresses with heavenly racks.

2. Leonard "Bones" McCoy: the second McCoy on our list, Bones is, plainly put, a decent man. Smart without being smarmy, moral without being moralizing, Bones is sensitive and a good listener. And benefits from being portrayed by Karl Urban.

1. Dick Grayson: the original Robin, Grayson grew out of the short pants and into a mullet and serious abs, cementing his dreamboat status in the eyes of many a nerd. For an orphan who grew up in the shadows of the Batcave, Dick's head is screwed on remarkably straight, he speaks about eight languages, and his heart is big enough to be nice to the horrific offspring of Talia al Ghul and Bruce Wayne. *swoon*

If you didn't look closely...

You would likely mistake me for a sad librarian spinster, similar to the one that George's wife in It's A Wonderful Life would have become if he had never been born.

(Which, by the way, is just ONE of the reasons I detest that movie.)


Let me take a metaphorical cam pic for you: here I am, sitting on my couch in DC superhero sweatpants and a "Club sandwiches not seals" shirt at 8PM with two cats and a box of those delectable Belgian chocolate seashells, indulging my lady-boner for Roy Khan.*

(um, yum?)

(Kamelot really needs to release a new live DVD. Or TOUR HERE PLEASE. Either one will do. I need me some bombastic power metal in the flesh on at least a yearly basis. Please get better, Khan!)



*In fact, this scenario is mostly why my boyfriend likes me. I have the feeling that if I ever got the chance to get nekkid with Mr. Khan, Boyfriend would high-five me.

DAMMIT POE

As you have probably heard by now, Inception is fucking superawesomedelicious. If you didn't already have a huge middle school hard-on for Joseph Gordon-Levitt, I DARE YOU to go see it and walk out unmoved.

It also has some interesting schtuff about dreams. But mostly...

Ok, ok. You want film review, you say? Well, like I said, Joseph Gordon-Levitt is sex it's pretty trippy-cool. And, if you have any interest in lucid dreaming or astral projection, not actually that implausible. Ellen Page is adorable and has great hair and scarves. Tom Hardy is charming. Leo--well, come on, he's LEONARDO DICAPRIO. Ken Watanabe bought a fucking airline, bitches. Michael Caine is to Christopher Nolan as Johnny Depp is to Tim Burton, which I'm pretty sure is fine with everyone. People walk on ceilings (see above), freefall in vans for half an hour, WHICH WAS AMAZING AND SPINETINGLING AND ACTUALLY MADE ME NERVOUS, get kicked into bathtubs full of water. Marion Cotillard is delectable and creepy, Cillian Murphy is creepy and delectable. What more could you need?

(macro credit goes to the lovely narfzz)

In which pants are soiled

So, I just got home from seeing Clash of the Titans, which was fun (and a good antidote to the stress of the past few weeks), but isn't why my undies are in a bunch. No no; Sam Worthington is cute in a stolid way, and Liam Neeson and Ralph Fiennes gnawing scenery is delectable, but in all honesty the best part of the viewing experience was the trailers.

FOR LO, CHILDREN--THIS SUMMER WILL BE THE SUMMER OF THE NERD BLOCKBUSTER. The nerdbuster, if you will.

BEHOLD. (Not all of these were in front of Titans, but they're what I and the rest of geekdom are excited about).

+Iron Man 2, obviously. 'Nuff said.

+The Expendables. My only concern regarding this film is that viewing it may actually turn me into a man. Also I'm a bit sad that Jean Claude Van Damme and Jeff Speakman are not part of the man-u (that's man-menu, hello!) of deliciousness here, but the more times I watch the trailer, the less I care.

+Scott Pilgrim vs. The World. I admit it, I fucking love Michael Cera. And him in various death matches against vindictive ex-boyfriends sounds pretty funny.

+The Losers. Zoe Saldana doing what she does best. For those who don't know, that's kicking ass and being sexy. Also, she speaks three dialects of Romulan, so get out of her fucking chair and let her do her fucking job. Whoops, wrong movie.

+The A-Team. Mostly I just want to see Patrick Wilson try to be badass. Jessica Biel will also eventually get naked or mostly, which is a plus.

+Kick-Ass. I am setting aside my loathing for Nicolas Cage to see this movie. He should be damn flattered.


What upcoming movies have YOU wetting/creaming yourself?

Sherlock Holmes and the Curious Case of the Sub/Text (Spoilers)

I am not a fan of Sherlock Holmes really at all; I think he's annoying. However, I like Robert Downey, Jr. and Rachel McAdams, and I think Jude Law is a good actor even if he is very, very pretty, and I found the trailers intriguing because they were so NOT what Basil Rathbone would approve of. And I am glad I saw the film.

It wasn't perfect, but it was very good, and Guy Ritchie's take is a new one. Fanboys all over Topless Robot and Great White Snark have been getting their boxers in a bunch over Holmes' boxing, etc. scenes, but the fact is that the character's written (read: canon!) history mentions not only boxing, the use of pistols, swords, and staves, but also some martial art whose name I have forgotten. Holmes was young once, and so was Watson, and that is what this movie is about. The fanboys also disapproved of the movie's villain being an occultist, whining that this was incongruent with Ritchie's purported portrayal of Holmes as the thinking man's action star. All I can say to this is, Hello? Do you know ANYTHING about Arthur Conan Doyle? The man was an enthusiastic spiritualist, dabbled in theosophy, and believed in fairies. I wouldn't have been surprised to see Aleister Crowley make an appearance in this movie (word is Lord Blackwood was based on him).

And, yes. The gay subtext is there. And I am glad! There was always a homoerotic undertone to the Holmes/Watson relationship, YES FANBOYS EVEN IN THE BOOKS WHICH YOU HAVE CLEARLY READ. There are interesting homosexual notes in a lot of Victorian literature. Book!Holmes is a misogynist and a sworn bachelor who happens to be very attached to his doctor in a time when homosexuality was illegal and immoral, and when homosexuals were considered "inverted" people. Movie!Holmes is clearly jealous of Watson's engagement and apparently attracted to Irene Adler. Being that the character of the bisexual is rarely found in Victorian literature, movie!Holmes presents a predicament. Personally, I read the film as portraying Holmes as a straight man enduring the changing of a deep friendship. There are plenty of guys who are jealous of their friends' girlfriends or wives, and they aren't always gay. Current American society has a real problem with male friendships, something I would like to see change. Women are allowed to link arms, even hold hands, in public; allowed to hug and kiss (if only on the cheek); but men are restricted to shallow friendships and shaking hands. Now, the addition of Irene Adler might have been to give movie!Holmes a beard. However, the filming of their scenes together (particularly the first scene Irene appears in and the scene in which she is not very heavily dressed) are shot to show that Holmes IS looking at her with desire. If Ritchie intended to really go whole hog and have the Holmes/Watson slashationship, surely he's smart enough to have shot the Irene/Holmes scenes without any indication of desire on Holmes' part. RDJr's facial expressions and movements are part of his acting, obviously, and they show that the character wants Irene. So I found her presence+Holmes' jealousy of Mary, Watson's fiancee, to=Holmes as a straight man who wants his working relationship and friendship with Watson to go on unhindered and unchanged.

Of course there is the possibility that Holmes wants very much to be straight but is not, and therefore attempts to look at Irene in the way that a straight man would. It is also possible that Watson, a character portrayed as very neat and dapper, is using his engagement to Mary to force himself into a heterosexual role. It is worth noting that book!Watson is a reputed womanizer, something which men have occasionally used to make other men think they're not gay.

At any rate, I think that RDJr. and Jude Law were very aware of the homoerotic things going on in between the lines of Conan Doyle's writing. Jude Law is a big Holmes fan and has read most of the works, I believe. I think that they did intend to act a fine line between a closeted gay male relationship and a straight male relationship, and I think they did it well. If viewers see their portrayals as gay men, that's great. If they see them as straight men, that's good too. Either interpretation works toward acceptance and tolerance.

...I can't be the only one who thought the hog-factory-conveyor-belt scene with the Holmes/Adler/Watson sandwich was totally erotic. Can I? o.O

ALSO these bear repeating (and repeating, and repeating):

Hot DAMN, former drug addict!

Sex, sex, and rock'n'roll

Because I think it's such fun that women are only featured in hard rock magazines if they're hot (eg, Revolver's annual "Hottest Women In Metal!" issue), I am going to objectify every male metal artist whom I consider attractive. Consider yourself warned. Also, I encourage everyone to also read my own post about the hot women of metal. We are equal opportunity objectifiers here.

10. Bjorn Gelotte. Guitarist for In Flames. Originally the group's drummer, Gelotte now wields his axe in all directions and sports an interesting twist on heavy metal follicular fashion: close-cropped noggin, hefty beard. Looks good to me!

9. Kiki Loureiro. Guitarist for Angra. Jesus H., does this guy look like a model or what? He's so pretty, he almost didn't make the list. Then I remembered his guitar chops and reconsidered. Dude can shred and has insanely Pre-Raphaelite hair. Doubleplusbonus!

8. Oliver Palotai. Keyboardist for Kamelot. Maybe it's unfair to have more than one member of the same band on a list, but it's their fault for having more than one ridiculously attractive member. The very Germanic-looking Palotai, unfortunately, is involved with the equally gorgeous Simone Simons (to the despair of everyone everywhere who has eyes), but that does not mean we can't enjoy his lean mean keyboarding arms and well-conditioned hair.

7. J.D. Cronise. Guitarist and lead vocalist for The Sword. Certainly one of the better doom metal vocalists, and attractive in a way rather similar to Dan Watchorn (see Number Two), Cronise makes the list chiefly for his skillz at dropping lyrical hints to literature, including nods to George R.R. Martin, H.P. Lovecraft, Arthur C. Clarke, and Norse mythology.

6. Janne Wirman. Keyboardist for Children of Bodom and Warmen. Good-looking in that clean, Nordic way, and a little calmer than his manic bandmates, you also gotta figure that as far as musicians go, groupies aren't too interested in the guy behind the keyboard (unless that guy is our Number Eight). So all love for this list's resident elf impersonator, Janne Wirman.

5. Henrik Danhage. Guitarist for Evergrey. Homeboy's got all the metal good looks: long hair, an acceptable beard, plenty of tattoos, soulful eyes. Okay, maybe that last bit isn't the norm, but it works for him, particularly when he's ripping your ears out with his guitar.

4. Steven Wilson. Porcupine Tree's lead singer and guitarist. Far too often heavy metal dudes follow a pattern--lots of hair, lots of leather--which is by no means bad, but can get old after a while. For the nerd girls in the bunch, Wilson is here for all your underwear emergencies with his stylin' wire-rim glasses and Cromwellian bob haircut. He also often plays barefoot, which is kinda cute, and makes music to fuck with your head to!

3. Mikael Akerfeldt. Singer and guitarist for Opeth and vocalist for Bloodbath. This guy's prowess with both death metal and clean vocals, as well as his flowing locks and stellar facial hair, cements his status as one of heavy metal's hottest dudes. The fact that Metalocalypse's Toki Wartooth is based on Akerfeldt doesn't hurt either.

2. All of Priestess, especially Dan Watchorn. Hot in a hairy, Canadian way--lots of beard!--these guys rock. Hard. Mikey Heppner's rocky-road vocals might not be guaranteed to make you come in the way of our Number One but it's still pretty sexy (in a hoarse, Canadian way).

1. Roy Khan. Past singer for Conception, current (and, presumably, future) singer for Kamelot. Trained as an opera vocalist, so you know he's got pipes. Also, rockin' bod much? Yes please. It's too bad he's married, but really, no one thinks about that when he's working up a sweat and straddling microphones onstage.
Honorable Mentions: Dave Mustaine (Megadeth), Tore Ostby (Conception, Ark), and Gabriel Garcia (Black Tide...jailbait FTW).