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Wednesday, September 08, 2010

Listen up, y'all

AND PLEASE DO NOTE THAT "Y'ALL" IS THE CORRECT CORRUPTION OF THE PHRASE "YOU ALL". Never let any high-falutin northerner tell you different (the spelling "ya'll" hurts my eyes).

SO, there will be no concert review tomorrow, because there is no concert tonight. As noted previously, Kamelot's lead singer, the literally inimitable Roy Khan (my number one metal hottie), is Really Fucking Sick and back in Norway and the band has decided to postpone their North American tour 'til he is better. So y'all will have to miss what usually amounts to me spewing adoration all over the screen--writing is just masturbating without the mess, amirite?--though I confess I was sort of looking forward to seeing what that replacement singer had for pipes.

If I prayed anymore, I'd be praying that Khan recovers from whatever flesh-eating plague he has, because he's hot and his voice is like the darkest chocolate possible, like that 85% cacao Brazilian kind which hails from the most humid depths of the Amazon basin. Except he is Norwegian.

On the topic of prayer, I decided to completely steal a leaf from Eliza R. Snitch's blog (and just what is the cyber version of "leaf" anyway?) and do a profile. For Mormon.org. Written as though I had never become a science-worshipping, man-hating, R-rated-movie-watching short-haired feminazi agnostic/pagan CREATURE OF HELL (though it is worth noting that even when I was a good LDS girl I had very short hair. BAD SIGNS FROM THE BEGINNING). Less do this shit! For giggles. I make y'all, ALL SIX OF YOU, read mostly-boring entries about my hard-on for action films and my favorite books, so have some funny. Note: unless you find religion not-funny, like my sister. HI CARA!

About me: I'm 23 years old, born and raised in south Detroit west Philadelphia Florida. I have been blessed to be a member of the Lord's Church since I was five--well, clearly I wasn't baptized then, I was baptized at age eight like everyone! But my mom joined when I was five, so I count it like I've always been here. I went to the University of South Florida in Tampa when I was eighteen and got my undergrad degree in English Literature. Then I applied to go on a mission, since by the time I turned 21 I hadn't realllllly been on a date ever, and most of the guys in my singles ward thought I was scary and overeducated, and was sent to beautiful Boise, Idaho! Then I came home and am in the process of getting my master's degree in library and information science. Still no dates! I work in for a technical college in the position of assistant librarian and also have been teaching! I have extreme public speaking fear, but I know I was asked to teach these classes in order to work through my fear, and it's been such a blessing.

I love reading, writing, and reading some more. Deep down I love heavy metal too, but I know that kind of music drives the Spirit away, so I stick with good bands like the Foo Fighters.

At church I'm currently called to teach Sunday school and am the second counselor in the Relief Society. I don't have many church friends, and I feel bad about wanting to spend most of my time with my school friends.

Why I'm a Mormon: I know this is the true Church and have a really strong testimony of the prophets and the scriptures. Even though I have never had an answer to a prayer. Also, my mom would be DEVASTATED if I left the Church and I love her too much to hurt her.

Frequently Asked Questions
What is the Relief Society?: One of the oldest women's organizations in the world! It's the women's auxiliary in the Church and gives the sisters a chance to be together to complain about their husbands or boyfriends or children, to make ugly crafts, and to learn about how awesome it is that eventually we'll have lots of babies.

How can I know Mormonism is true?: Pray! Read the scriptures and pray. The prophets have promised us that if we read, ponder, pray, and listen, the truth of the Church will be revealed to us. Even though that never happened to me and I read the whole dag-nabbed 4-in-1 TWICE

Do Mormons worship Joseph Smith?: No. He was the first of the Restored Church's prophets, and even though we venerate him to the point where even Catholics would goggle, we DON'T worship him. Our worship is reserved for the Lord.

Dudes. This is not even a joke. Well, it IS, but it's also a good estimation of where I would be and what I would be like if I hadn't gone apeshit three years ago (literally--those biological anthropology classes were the catalyst. Lots of apes!). There was no sorta-kinda, almost-there, I-hate-the-Koolaid-but-I'm-still-drinking-it for me. One week, I was at church; the next week, I was as close to being an atheist as it's possible to be for someone who considers atheism to ALSO be a religion. Presumably enough doubt and refusal to tolerate the BS had built up and been squirreled away that by the time that bio-anthro class came around, that was all that was needed: some sort of kicker. After that kick (o hai Inception, it's actually called a "myoclonic jerk"), Fawn Brodie's proverbial winter coat was shucked. It was a relief. There was no guilt, no doubt. The veneer of Mormonism--and that is all it was--peeled off like an old sunburn and I was free.

And here we are. Thanks again, Edgar. You're an awesome teacher and I owe the rest of my intellectual life to that class, and my boyfriend owes you for teaching science so well that it convinced me to take my pants off at looooooong last.


Eliza R. Snitch said...

Ha. Loved your comment on Joseph Smith. I'll never forget the time I walked into the BYU administration building in December and found a Joseph Smith nativity.

Diana said...

Oh lawdy. I don't know why I'm surprised, but come ON. How is that not blasphemous?

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