The survivor's prerogative

I saw this article linked recently on Twitter, read it and enjoyed it very much, and kind of intended to write something similar from an LDS perspective.

And then I realized that my list of what not to say to a recovering Mormon would be almost identical. Even the mainstream LDS church has strands of fundamentalism, in its doctrine and its culture. This is not something I realized until I was an adult; in fact, fourteen-year-old Diana piped up indignantly in a history class when the teacher included Mormons in a list of US fundamentalist religious (just one of many reasons why "every member a missionary" is, say it with me, flagrant bullshit). Members in many areas, in Utah and the mission field, are survivors of spiritual and sometimes physical abuse. Many outsiders don't consider the LDS church a Christian institution. The jargon, the doctrine, the peculiarities of Mormonism cause it to stand out in the religious landscape, but in practice and in effect it is damningly similar to other fundamentalist Christian groups.

I don't know about you all, but "fundamentalist" was not a nice descriptor in my household, growing up. After 9/11 I heard my parents use it to refer to Islam. My older sister--never baptized, always political--spoke scornfully of the "Moral Majority" and "religious right" (it wasn't until later that I realized she was in fact including the Church in those phrases). It took some doing to rewire my understanding of the term, to get to the point where I could separate my complex feelings about my upbringing and beliefs from the reality of subtle, institutionalized manipulation. 

All fifteen of those statements linked above have been said to me--some while I was still in the Church, some as I was leaving, some quite recently. None of them are constructive, no matter how much love and insight the speaker intends. One of the most pernicious attitudes I have encountered in the last seven years, from both members and non-members, is a certain carelessness: the idea that leaving X Religion is a relief, something to be shucked with a laugh. Sometimes it was like that and I could joke with people, talk smack and shake my head. Sometimes it felt like the world was ending. My experience is my own, is the point, and it's not going to be the same from day to day, which is the survivor's prerogative.

Framework

The Hairpin and The Toast recently featured posts about Mormonism, the latter written by yours truly. I thought I would say a few words here about why I chose that particular frame for my piece, the twelve steps. Initially, as I was scratching down my memories, I thought it might be amusing to see if some of the major ones matched any of the steps, and lo, they managed to be hammered out that way. But as I refined the piece, I realized that the core of my leaving was really coming into view--that at that time, I would have benefited from any kind of framework to show me the way out. I was flailing, with no one to talk to, no one I knew who had done this and made it and was ok. Not to say that religious belief is an addiction; however I think when it has been part of your life forever, when it has shaped and molded and convinced and guided as firmly as the LDS church had for me, when that changes it is almost on a chemical level. What do you do? With what do you replace the words of the prophet?

That's the whole point, of course, that suddenly there are more options and you're making decisions for yourself. Anxiety is the dizziness of freedom and all that. But navigating them was difficult for me, without some sort of map. A more sincere, more structured Twelve Steps to Leaving the Church would probably include things like "Make a list of people you can talk to about your doubts and decisions" rather than "Make a list of people to avoid." That would be the healthy way. These days, there are plenty of resources online for people having doubts about the church, or starting to make their exit outwards, and I hope that their journeys are smoother, but no less interesting and soul-shaking, than mine has been.

Shameless pimping

• I wrote a silly thing for The Toast! 
• And a slightly less silly review of the new Red Sonja title, written by Gail Simone.
• And there would be a few links to Paper Droids items but my editor hasn't gotten back to me...
• So herein ends this post in bullets.

All Tammy all the time

So between Mark Reads continuing on his Big Damn Tammy Read (he started Protector of the Small! My squee could only be heard by dogs), the fytortall Tumblr folks putting together an anthology of fan writing, and the recently launched PierceFest blog carnival, it's a damn good time to be a Tamora Pierce fan.

Of course, it's always a good time to be a Tammy fan. Arguably my first fandom--I edged into the now-sadly-defunct Steelsings community a year before I hit the starwars.com message boards--readers of Pierce's books have consistently been a friendly, drama-free, and very talented bunch. But lately it seems there's been an upswing in activity: more fan-art, more fic, more discussion, and I'm loving it. The best thing is reading her books yourself for the first time; the second best is introducing them to someone else; and the third best is talking about them with people who love them as much as you. I'm looking forward to a summer full of Pierce!

Shameless linkage

Brief shit-around-the-web post round-up: I'm excited about Fearless Defenders (and tentatively The Movement), dismayed and baffled by Terry Deary, and sartorially inspired by TV characters. 

Whatever you're doing today--fancy sex, making waffles, eating all the chocolate in sight, watching action movies, napping--I hope you all have a wonderful Valentine's Day. Preferably with lots of fandom Valentines like this one:

Lazy round-up

Between a surprising and distasteful item sent in the mail from my mother and a general long week at work, I'm really fucking glad it's Friday and in no mood to talk about Serious Things, or even really anything cohesive--so have a few links to things I've done around the web recently, and things I'm currently enjoying.

• I've been emblogginating over at Paper Droids, in the Style section if you can believe it, with some outfits inspired by heroines from all sorts of nerd media. The newest is Jade from Beyond Good and Evil.
• I've also been writing reviews of comic books for Between the Panels, and last week joined site runner William Goodman, Esq. and dandy Tumblrpeep Justin Partridge for talk about Avengers vs. X-Men, Batman, and Fantastic Four. Warning: the first time you hear my voice, I say something mean.
• Have you registered to vote? There's still time!
• Elementary aired last night and yes, I love it. Partially out of spite, partially because it actually seems like it will be fun, but mostly because Lucy Liu is flawless.
• Grumpy Cat is my Patronus.
• Seriously, Tommy Karevik can wail. I'm very much looking forward to their headliner tour next year. 
• Mark Reads has reached In the Hand of the Goddess and oh my zombie Jesus, this liveblog is just so excellent and will keep on getting better, because HE IS NOT PREPARED FOR TORTALL.

ALERT ALERT

Mark is reading The Song of the Lioness! He's only on chapter three, so you have plenty of time to catch up. If you're not familiar with Mark Does Stuff, basically the dude in question reads and watches things that people love, and liveblogs his experiences. If you love a thing he is watching/reading, it can be very fun and rewarding to observe him flipping out over, say, all of His Dark Materials.

Yeah, that one was fun.

And now we get to watch him discover Tortall. A WINNER IS ALL OF US.

Talking about it

In the interest of continuing to think about that blasted Hairpin thread/giving myself an ulcer, happy Friday!...having lived on the Internet since I was fourteen and begun unpacking my spiritual knapsack about five years ago, it really seems to me that it's very difficult for people to have a useful discussion about a religion they aren't and have never been part of. 

I don't mean that only people who have directly experienced a religion are the ones who can talk about it.

Or maybe I do. Because really, what useful things do I have to say about Catholicism or Judaism or Islam? All my knowledge of those religions is strictly academic and must ever remain. Any opinion I have about the Catholic church has little to do with personal experience, and religion is all about personal experience. As we can see in the Pin thread, there are people who have poor opinions of the church and its followers, and there are people defending the church and its followers who largely draw from the pool of "all the Mormons I've met are nice people." Yes, it's true, most LDS folk will not tell you to your face that you are going to Outer Darkness--unless you used to be part of the church. Like, those arguments just do not work on apostates. I can say the same thing about Catholics; I have never met a Catholic who told me point-blank that I was a heathen sinner. But my ex-Catholic gentleman heard plenty of that ilk when he was a teenager. What exactly are we trying to prove with these statements of "but all the [blank] I know are nice"? Your lack of experience does not cancel out my lived experience. 

This Pin thread was really disheartening to me. At the most basic level, I was disappointed to see the comments devolve into name-calling. As I said in the previous post, I had a genuine critique of the article, one which was barely mentioned in the comment thread and which, for my money, is the only viable critique (other than maybe you just aren't into cute travel writing, which is pretty valid. I think the market for that is sort of over-saturated, myself). I have no idea how or if the site editors will address yesterday's mess. But I really am beginning to think that I Just Don't Care about your opinions of my former religion unless the conversation is purely academic, as in, Let us discuss how Jewish temples and Mormon temples are similar! or something of the kind. This thread was not academic in the slightest; it could have been, if anyone had been interested in talking about why and how missionary work is problematic, but that didn't happen. This thread was a case in which I just wanted to scream at everyone on both sides of the argument to do their homework before opening their mouths.

...so yeah, I'm pretty glad it's Friday. I need a stiff drink after this week.

No Mormons allowed?

So this was posted on the Hairpin, one of my favorite websites, yesterday. As you can see if you skim the comments, there were some posters who were displeased with the article and others who weren't. Honestly the comments are a pretty big mess and I don't agree with most of the dissenting ones, despite being a bitter apostate. The bulk of the dissenting comments were in the mode of "Mormonism is toxic, we should not have articles about LDS culture/belief here," a few veering into "Mormons should not be writing for the Hairpin, period" territory.


I'm not chill with either of those statements. It might seem, reading Ye Olde Blogge here, that I am angry at the church and by extension anyone involved with it. That's largely true, but it doesn't mean that I'm uninterested in the church and its people. I spend a good chunk of my time online reading LDS-related blogs, and not just the ones written by the disaffected. If I thought there was the skinniest chance that I would never encounter another LDS member or have to hear about the church again, I might be able to just let it all slip away. But having been very devout for fifteen years and with LDS parents and a Mormon running for president, there's just no way. It's always going to be there, tendriling into my life, and trying to force it out completely is more tiresome and less rewarding for me than trying to continue engaging with it in non-toxic ways. For me this means thinking about who I was when I was LDS, considering the aspects of the church that most influenced who I became, considering how the church relates to the world at large, and keeping abreast of news and changes. Because I would like very much to see changes occur in the church. I can't think of a change that would make me want to return to it, but it would give me joy to think that all members could be married in the temple, for instance. If that happens, I want to hear about it and think about it and talk about it. Just because I'm no longer part of the membership doesn't mean I'm no longer affected by its workings. 


I don't often defend the church or its members. Everyone knows nice Mormons,  indeed most Mormons are nice Mormons. But within the context of the article presented, there was an issue for me and that issue is missionary work. I have no good feelings about missionary work, any missionary work. That is my problem with the Hairpin piece; not that it was written by an LDS church member, not that it concerns a facet of the LDS belief system, but that it concerns the imperialist-based act of going into a country with the set goal of converting the inhabitants. Missionary work is not neutral to me. This was why I looked at the article askance, but based on the rest of the comments, there are few interested in presenting a critique that isn't "Mormons are bad, we don't want Mormons here." That's a bullshit criticism and I was glad to see a few commenters say that Hey, I am a Mormon actually and I am allowed to comment here.

I hope that the Pin editors maybe think about inviting a few LDS bloggers to talk about other aspects of church belief and culture which aren't quite so rooted in privilege and colonialism. There are so many interesting Mormon topic blogs, so many conversations going on that are relevant to topics that the Hairpin talks about frequently--gardening and canning and baking, parenting, and of course, feminism. I don't think barring Mormon writers from the website is a good idea, but I also don't think that a missionary travelogue couched (somewhat oddly) in "weight loss tips" is a necessary item.

In which I use more exclamation points than usual, all very warranted

Today in the mail I received a book I won in a giveaway on Rue's blog: Jude's Herbal Home Remedies (by Jude C. Todd). Also included was a package of celandine seeds! Must find a pot and get planting. I'll be reviewing the book here once I've finished it. Many thanks to Rue!

Something else arrived in the mail today too...a signed George Perez sketch of my favorite superpowered lady, Wonder Woman herself! My cousin commissioned it at a recent convention and sent it as an early birthday present. What a guy!

Can you tell I'm still thinking about Brave?

I've been seeing a lot of beautiful fan art for Brave since the film came out. Here are a few of my favorites:

Merida and Rapunzel admire each other's hair (from skyneverthelimit)

Merida and Angus (from islandinthesun) 

Merida and her brothers (from Osato-kun)

2011 Brodies are here!

Yes, dear readers, it's awards season...and with the Golden Globes and Oscars and all the rest come the Brodies! As always, a dizzying array of funny, smart, sad, touching, sardonic, horrifying, beautiful posts are up for a variety of awards, including some of my very favorite bloggers (White and Delightsome, Life as a Reader, and We Were Going to be Queens among them), and yes, one of my own posts. Flattered and delighted! Go vote, if you can manage to choose between all the awesome.

Body Appreciation Sunday: Dat Ass, redux

I found this post from Feministe really interesting and cool. I dig where the author and her husband are coming from; once I was putting on a favorite pair of underwear and lamented that they no longer fit the way I liked. My manfriend said, Guess your ass is too big! and then walked over, crouched down, and literally kissed my butt. He meant it for a compliment and that was how I took it. He loves booties: the bigger, the better. He's Sir Mix-A-Lotish that way.

Much as I like to rely on my own self-esteem and my own approval of the way I look, the way I dress, my health, and so forth, it is always going to help that he's attracted to me. I think this is ok; some things we just can't do by ourselves. The support and love of our friends is important. I'm not "fat" even by nutbar US beauty standards, but the important thing is to accept and love yourself at WHATEVER size you are, because chances are, someone wants you to hate yourself instead--to think yourself ugly--to think yourself too skinny or too fat or too flat-chested or too wide-hipped. The fat acceptance movement is largely (heh) really amazing and I'm glad to see it spreading through the Internet and daily life. The personal is still political. If the regressive assholes who run our culture want to play out their wars on women's bodies, let's take the fight to them! My body, its wide shoulders and relative lack of waist, its hips and ass, its skinny legs and long arms, its short hair: if you insist on weaponizing it, I'll use it against you however I can.

The things the Internet makes me do

So my best friend, yeah, she's pretty awesome and she has this blog that lots of people read, and a Twitter and Tumblr that lots of people follow, and sometimes these people are a little strange.

Sometimes the strange people are me. Anyway. These are some things that Quinn Fabray might have done with her breast milk.

• pumped it out and donated it to a mama nearby who needed it
• pumped it out and sold it on eBay
• pumped it out and gave it to Shelby to feed baby Beth with
• let it chill out in her boobs 'til it dried up
• attempted to deal with the resulting engorgement by binding her breasts, resulting in mastitis
• breastfed baby Beth for a week or so at Shelby's request
• hooked up with someone who has a breast milk fetish

Fun fact: when you Google "lactation" the first result is not lactation--it's erotic lactation.

Seeing red

"So important is the seed, in fact, that it can be a sin for it to spill on the ground. Rather it must be deposited in a bonafide f*toilet. Whereas, menstrual fluid, a potent symbol of actual growing and producing of little dudes and women, is so vile that it can make a dude unclean. I don’t suppose I have to explain the implications of this to anyone."

--A comment from this thread at Twisty's, re Dominique Strauss-Kahn, the male atheist response to Rebecca Watson's vlog about harassment, and some other stuff.

Round-up!

There are so many fantastic nerd offerings this summer that I decided I needed to post them here in order to a) rejoice over them in a public display of lust and anticipation and b) remember them all. Therefore, beginning in May and running through July (my count for "official" summer, Florida's nine-month summer notwithstanding):

May 6, 2011: Thor opens in US theatres. Can I just point out what an excellent graduation present this is? Thanks, Marvel! Hobo With A Shotgun, starring Rutger Hauer, is also getting a limited release this week.

May 13, 2011: Niche-nerdy, but Hesher opens in LA and NYC. Why do I not live in a cool city? I have Joseph Gordon-Levitt heavy metal needs!

May 20, 2011: Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides opens. I don't even care anymore, I would throw money at this franchise even if Geoffrey Rush, Johnny Depp, and Ian McShane just spent the whole film drinking and screwing. Wait, "even if"? How about "especially if"?

June 3, 2011: X-Men: First Class opens. After my initial reaction of ZOMGWTFCONTINUITY, I think this looks badass and I hope it's great.

June 10, 2011: Super 8 opens. I WANNA KNOW WHAT'S IN THE TRAIN DAMMIT. The Troll Hunter also gets a limited release. All I can say is, if the Norwegian folks in this film had ever read their Wil Huygen, they might not be so surprised at the fact that trolls are for reals.

June 17, 2011: Green Lantern opens. As far as comic movies go this summer, GL is pretty low on my list...a sentiment I hope is changed when I see it. I do love the Green Lanterns, but I vastly prefer John Stewart to Hal Jordan. Also, Ryan Reynolds to plz go make a Deadpool film.

June 14, 21, 28: LORD OF THE RINGS: EXTENDED EDITIONS SHOW IN AMC THEATRES. No words, dudes. No. Words.

July 1, 2011: Transformers 3: Dark of the Moon opens. Unfortunately I will have to see this, because my hometown and my favorite hick restaurant get a shout-out. Damn you Michael Bay.

July 8, 2011: Project Nim has a limited release. I really want to see this documentary. Netflix, don't fail me!

July 15, 2011: Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2 opens. And my childhood ends. In fire and tears. BRB, stocking up on tissues.

July 22, 2011: Captain America: The First Avenger is released. Can I just say, I think Marvel really missed a primo opportunity by not having this premiere on the Fourth of July? Another Earth also gets a limited release today.

July 29, 2011: Cowboys & Aliens opens. FUCK and YES are the only words coming to mind. Maybe also I'VE MISSED DANIEL CRAIG'S ARMS.

And that's just the movies, guyz! In terms of reading material, DC's newest event, Flashpoint, kicks off on May 11, Batman Inc. and Birds of Prey and a dozen other awesome series are going strong. ShadowFlame, the second book in Dianne Sylvan's Shadow World series, comes out July 26. Where She Went, Gayle Forman's sequel to the awesome If I Stay, came out two weeks ago. Forever, the third book in the Wolves of Mercy Falls series by Maggie Stiefvater, comes out on July 12. And Karen Healey's new title The Shattering is set for international release on July 11 (though we don't get it here until September, WOE!). The eleventh Sookie Stackhouse novel just came out last week. For Song of Ice and Fire fans, George R.R. Martin has FINALLY announced that he's finished Dance With Dragons.

It is a great time to be a geek. Rejoice in it! Wallow in it! This summer was made for us. Oh, and check out Girls Read Comics Too for an admirably lucid take on the newest piece of stupidity in the geek blogosphere, which I refuse to link to here (I did Tweet it though, if you follow). My response was just to sigh and turn on Sex and the City, since that's all I'm really capable of enjoying...props to Emma Houxbois for the awesome post! Also note that this Saturday is Free Comic Book Day! Check out your local shop for free issues and awesome deals on everything else.

On Wicked Pretty Things

I don't normally cross-link this blog and my so-called professional portfolio blog, but this morning I posted on the other blog about the Wicked Pretty Things anthology and how it relates to libraries' collection development.

...yeah. So. It's a set of interlinking topics that I think are really important. So I thought it (and The Sparkle Project's broader coverage) deserved a plug.

What happens when the nerd brain takes over

Here is a true story for you: today whilst shelving nonfiction items at my internship, I caught sight of a book entitled Hot Words for the SAT*I. However, so immersed in Tammy Pierce books is my brain that for a moment I thought it read Hot Words for the Sati. For those not so immersed, sati is a Trader term from the Circle of Magic universe for a heart's friend.

So I thought, Well, my sati does deserve some hot words. So here are some hot words for my sati, DR SHE BLOGGO, in honor of her as a female writer on International Women's Day and in honor of her as an awesome person.

DR SHE BLOGGO and I have been best friends for seventeen years. It stands to reason that we will keep on being best friends, even though there's about to be a lot more geography between us (that's why Al Gore God invented the Internet). We decided recently, based on a chat conversation in which we said the same thing at the same time three times, that we share a brain and that if a zombie were to bite one of us, the other would become zombified as well. Ahhhh, so many good times. Scraped Spanish tar off our feet in a French bathtub? CHECK! Stood in line for Revenge of the Sith at midnight? CHECK! Eaten chicken off the floor of a restaurant in London? Well...I have and she recorded me doing it. Written a story about dinosaurs and Pangaea? CHECK!

DR SHE BLOGGO is funny. She is compassionate. She works harder than anyone I know. She helped me with my math homework on my sixteenth birthday. She is a talented writer and moviemaker. She lends me DVDs and burns me CDs of the Glee music. She is an excellent daughter, sister, and friend. Her presence in my life is one of my greatest blessings.

2010 Brodies

Holy shit, one of my posts got nominated for a Brodie!

Was NOT expecting that. I don't post too often about Mormonism. But I'm very honored to even be nominated. Vote as you will; there are a ton of awesome blogs nominated this year (including Lisa at The Liberal Agnostic Who Could, Carla at Life As A Reader, Donna Banta from Ward Gossip, and Eliza R. Snitch).

Top Ten of 2010

It is That Time of the Year--the time for doing memes and making lists. Many blogs and websites do format or genre-specific lists (such as SPIN's annual best records, best singles, best reissues, and so forth), but I refuse to be tied down! Thus my year-end list is all over the map. In no particular order, behold Diana's Top Ten of 2010:

10. Best news site: The Wild Hunt. Specifically geared toward pagan and other minority religious news, The Wild Hunt is penned by Jason Pitzl-Waters, a thoughtful, excellent journalist all around. The comments are full of a great variety of people from many religions and paths, and though there are occasional dust-ups, remain some of the most civil comment threads I've seen anywhere online.

9. Best radical feminist: or at least most amusing and incisive, is Twisty Faster of I Blame the Patriarchy. Her strident, hyperbolic, generally loud style of news reporting (and I use these adjectives in complete awe and appreciation) make for reading that is both fun and--to use one of her signature phrases--lobe-blowing.

8. Best boyfriend: mine, of course! Dear manfriend, for cooking, cleaning, taking care of the furry bastards, downloading Wham!'s entire catalogue to your phone before we drove to Georgia, and generally being awesome, here's to you.

7. Best heavy metal album: Poetry for the Poisoned, Kamelot's newest offering (of course! I am nothing if not predictable). View the video for their single "The Great Pandemonium" here on their MySpace page.

6. Best movie: haters gonna hate, but make way for Inception. And people, there was a metric FUCKTON (to be scientific about it) of Movies Diana Loved this year. But the Nolan tour-de-force takes the cake--for making lucid dreaming seem possible, for giving us Tom Hardy, JGL, and Ken Watanabe in snazzy suits, for making pranking your friends a lot easier. The prank, of course, is setting your most neurotic friend's alarm clock to play "Non, je ne regrette rien" when he or she wakes up in the morning.

5. Best blog for news, opinion, storytelling, and more from women of color and other minorities: Womanist Musings. The author/editor, Renee Martin, blogs her own views and news as well as welcoming contributors of all stripes.

4. Best paranormal fantasy book: Queen of Shadows by Dianne Sylvan. Not Sylvan's first book (her others include The Circle Within and the excellent The Body Sacred), this is her debut fiction effort, a sexy, funny, smart entry into the ever-widening canon of vampire-centered fiction. Bonus: Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Serenity shout-outs!

3. Best fuck-you song: "Fuck You" by Cee Lo Green, of course. Duh.

2. Best validation of my wit: Topless Robot's Superhero Tweets contest gave my entry an honorable mention. As Kamelot would say, ONE DAY I'LL WIN.

1. Best friend: as ever, the witty, smart, compassionate, inimitable DR SHE BLOGGO. Newish to the blogosphere, her blog is already linked all over the web (mainly for her Glee insights and awesome graphics). Read! Follow! Love!