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Friday, April 20, 2012

I can't even tell if I'm joking

I feel like Cosmo and Glamour's dating tips would be much more interesting if imparted through the lens of shitty 80s hair metal. Therefore I am proud (...) to present the Cock Rock Innuendo Index, A Work In Progress. Basically, look to the rough poetry of Axl Rose, Bret Michaels, and Vince Neil to be sure of whether the person in question is hitting on you and how you feel about that.

The line: "You're [insert typically masculine adjective here] for a woman." The lyric: "Slow down, hold on/you're too fast, too strong/slow down, make it last/take it easy, not too fast/don't let go" ("Let It Go," Def Leppard). The interpretation: He's slightly threatened by your cornhole game, sculpted biceps, or beer-pounding panache, but it's turning him on.

The line: "I thought I'd seen it all, until I met you." The lyric: "I've seen everything imaginable/pass before these eyes/I've had everything that's tangible/honey, you'd be surprised" ("Rocket Queen," Guns N' Roses). The interpretation:  No one's that jaded. Except maybe Chuck Bass...Is Chuck Bass creeping on you?

The line: "Bad girls get spankings." The lyric: "Nobody knows how to tie the simple knots I know/getting weak in the knees/and your bruises are beginning to show" ("Where There's a Whip There's a Way," Faster Pussycat). The interpretation: He may be into bondage or he may just be an abusive asshole.

The line: "Damn girl, you're nasty." The lyric: "You never act the way you should/but I like it/and I know you like it too" ("Talk Dirty To Me," Poison).  The interpretation: Keep talking, it's working.

The line: "Have you ever made out in an elevator?" The lyrics: "Here I come/my mind is set/get ready for love/you're my ten-second pet" ("Ten Seconds to Love," Motley Crue). The interpretation: He wants a BJ in between the hotel bar and his room.

The line: "Such a tease!" The lyric: "You see I'm beggin' you please/saying I can't wait to feel your love tonight" ("Feel Your Love Tonight," Van Halen). The interpretation: The balls are in your court, play them as you will.

The line: "Oh, you're dangerous. I know about girls like you." The lyric: "Like a fallen angel/with the devil's charm/she promised paradise/with the kiss of death" ("Kiss of Death," Dokken). The interpretation: Tread with caution--he might be playing coy or he might be a skittish, needy, once-burned Dokken aficionado. 

The line: "You're gorgeous. Are you here with someone?" The lyric: "You got it/but are you getting it?" ("Armageddon It," Def Leppard). The interpretation:You get to decide if a) you ARE indeed here with someone; b)c) you're not here with someone but now you have someone to go home with. you're not here with someone but this person isn't your speed; or


Donna Banta said...

This is a promising new feature. I've already learned volumes!

Diana said...

Glad you enjoyed...my boyfriend was confused by it. I need to sharpen my humor chops!

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