There's kicky little saying that Mormons love to parrot regarding apostates: "They leave the church, but they can't leave it alone."
Aside from how incredibly short that sells the church in terms of spiritual and cultural impact (like, you guys realize you're saying that the church is totally easy to ditch and completely forget about, right? THAT SHOULD NOT BE A GOOD THING), this adage also ignores the church's tendency to never leave anyone alone ever, not even after they've died. I don't remember if I talked here about how my mother had given the missionaries in Tampa my new cell phone number and how that made me feel--it pissed me off. A very simple invasion of privacy. Furthermore, by that time I had not been inside an LDS church in five years.
Who can't leave whom alone?
Thursday evening I got a charming email from my lady parent detailing the coming apocalypse as brought on by President Obama declaring "peacetime martial law" (I know, I know). I replied briefly and vulgarly. In her response to my brief vulgarity, my mother reminded me that this weekend is General Conference! AS IF I COULD FORGET, since she reminds me of this twice a year. Now, sure, if I had cable I'd be slamming down shots every time an old white dude mentioned Joseph Smith, but I don't and so I'll just have to conduct my weekend the way I normally do: a little library, a little grocery shopping, maybe get laid.