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Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Bring it, Happy Feet!

Rest assured, dear readers: The Expendables is practically perfect. Indeed! The lineup of shoot-first roughnecks is astounding--Dolph Lundgren, Jet Li, Randy Couture, Terry Crews, Sly Stallone, Steve Austin, Jason Statham, and Mickey Rourke as a downright poetical former-merc tattoo artist.
Whew! Charisma Carpenter's eternally-perfect self also has a minor part, which is a bonus for Buffy fans and people who enjoy beautiful women. I was a bit sad to see that Rourke doesn't take part in the shooting(s...), but on the flip side he wears a bolo over his bare paunch, so. Toss-up. Eric Roberts is, as always, a scene-chewing villain; Stone Cold is his henchmen, who doesn't do much but look scary, which is fine. Terry Crews should play Luke Cage at some point in the extremely near future (I love Isaiah Mustapha very, very much, but after HEARING CREWS SAY "CHRISTMAS"--in a completely other context--all I could hear was the word "sweet" in front of it). Randy Couture waxes on about his cauliflower ear. Jet Li is...Jet Li, which is to say, AWESOME. And, well, I am a Jean-Claude fangirl hardcore, but there is a Dolph Lundgren-shaped vacuum in my heart (like Pascal's God-shaped vacuum, but taller and Swedish). Giselle Itie, the remarkably understated sort-of-love-interest for Stallone, is fucking gorgeous. And WHOA THAT'S ANGEL BATISTA FROM DEXTER! He's an evilish warlord/dictator type, BTW.

(this doesn't happen in the film BUT SLY WANTED IT TO)

The only two flaws, really, were the lack of Jason Statham minus his shirt, and the absence of Jean-Claude Van Damme (I was truly horrified to learn that he had turned down a part. IS THIS TRUE JCVD?? CALL ME)

I love a ridiculous action flick. It's a moral failing, I suppose. I mean, the last time I was at Walmart, I was not only overjoyed to see that in their DOUBLE FEATURE $5 bin they had copies of Bloodsport/Showdown in Little Tokyo and Romeo Must Die/Cradle 2 the Grave, BUT I BOUGHT THEM. The only thing better than one laughably awesome action movie is TWO ON THE SAME DISC. The Expendables so delivers. Schwarzenegger and Willis are barely in it, but their lone scene with Sly is funny and effective. The action is bloody and sharp and lo-fi, and Terry Crews is SO RIGHT about the loudness of a shotgun being really fucking scary. There are mini nuclear warheads, crop-dusting with gasoline, knife-throwing contests in Rourke's tattoo shop. It's a glorious testofest.

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