YES IT'S TRUE...my teaching gig being over, thank all Elder Gods, we now return to our regularly scheduled Friday programming of completely impossible movie casts. I decided today I'd have to go big, because I can't go home yet, and so we're doing...Dune. Yep, Dune. Yes, I know there are two existing adaptations, but they both suck, so deal with it. For those who somehow don't know, Dune is about the desert planet Arrakis, the Atreides ducal family, a fat bastard of a Baron, and general arid-land shenanigans. This book has a sprawl of a cast, so don't expect to see everyone and their mom on the list here.
Paul Atreides: played by Max Irons, Paul is the son and heir of Duke Leto. Trained from birth by his mother and Thufir Hawat in subtle techniques, his exposure to spice on Arrakis awakens something in him that none of his teachers could have expected.
Lady Jessica Atreides: played by Rene Russo, the Lady Jessica is a trained Bene Gesserit and the ducal consort of Leto. Against the commands of her order, she bore Leto a son on the slim chance that he could be the prophesied Kwisatz Haderach.
Duke Leto Atreides: played by Danny Huston, the Duke Leto is given control of Arrakis by the Emperor, though he knows it is a trap laid by his ancestral enemies, the Harkonnens.
Baron Vladimir Harkonnen: played by Ray Winstone, Baron Harkonnen is a twisted man who hates the Atreides house more than anything and plots its downfall with Arrakis as the field of war.
Chani: played by Freida Pinto, Chani is a Fremen woman who Paul falls in love with. Though Jessica does not approve, Paul remains adamant that she is his wife and the mother of Atreides heirs.
Stilgar: played by Alexander Siddig, Stilgar is the leader of Sietch Tabr, the Fremen bolthole where Paul and Jessica find themselves. A sharp man, he understands that he is integral to the survival of the Fremen on Arrakis despite the changes Paul brings.
Gurney Halleck: played by Mickey Rourke, Gurney is one of Duke Leto's men, skilled in music and war. Believing Paul and Jessica dead with their lord, he joins a group of Dune smugglers and works against the Harkonnens in his own way.
Thufir Hawat: played by Jordi Molla, Hawat is the Duke's Mentat, a human computer. He believes Jessica to be the instrument of Leto's destruction and surrenders to the Harkonnens upon the apparent deaths of Leto and Paul.
Feyd-Rautha Harkonnen: played by Jonathan Rhys-Meyers, Feyd-Rautha is the Baron's nephew and his heir. Though skilled in gladiatorial combat, Feyd is no match, mentally or physically, for Paul.
Reverend Mother Gaius Helen Mohiam: played by Tilda Swinton, the Reverend Mother is the Emperor's Truthsayer. She tests Paul to see if he is the person the Bene Gesserit have been waiting for.